


Stop This

by cosmicraysuga



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: It will get sad, Iwaizumi tries to help, M/M, but there's also a bit of fluff, childhood flashbacks, i put major character death in for a reason, it all goes wrong, iwaizumi gets angry, match against shiratorizawa, oikawa has very pressuring parents, oikawa trains almost all the time, there will be angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 01:49:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10709613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicraysuga/pseuds/cosmicraysuga
Summary: Oikawa has kept secrets from Iwaizumi, yet none have been as tragic as this.





	Stop This

**Author's Note:**

> *** this means a time skip or moving onto a new scene  
> ~~~ this is the start of the flashback, when it's used again it's the end

“Hey Iwa-chan, I’m tired.” Tooru mumbled into his phone as he lay on his stomach, face stuffed into his pillow, his phone right next to it so he could still hear his boyfriend’s voice. It was currently the night before their game with Shiratorizawa, if they won this they would get through to the finals, and then possibly into Nationals.

“Please go to sleep, you know we have to be well rested. Why did you call me anyway? It’s almost one in the morning.” Iwaizumi sighed. He had just started to fall asleep when his phone started blaring Oikawa’s favourite song, the sign that his boyfriend was calling him.

“But I’m just so stressed. What if the work we’ve put in isn’t enough?” Tooru groaned. He hated nights before big matches, he rarely slept only catching a quick nap on the bus on the way there.

“You’ve worked the hardest out of all of us, don’t you dare saw we haven’t put enough effort into this.” Iwaizumi sat up, wishing he could go over to Tooru’s house and comfort him but it was too late for that and he wasn’t one to sneak out in the middle of the night.

“Do you think it’s enough? Everyone keeps telling me to work harder and I just don’t feel good enough. The team deserves to go to Nationals but should I be included in that?”

“Tooru. If your parents are being too strict again please tell them, we all know what happened the last time this happened. You overworked yourself and ended up hospitalised. You have no idea how terrified I was back then, if it was to happen now how do you think I would feel? You’re over thinking everything, you deserve a place on this team as much as everyone else, frankly I would say even more. Now let that be your last thought for tonight, that you are worthy. This is just like any other match we’ve played before. You’ll smash through their defences with your serve, I believe in you. Goodnight Tooru, please don’t worry.” Iwaizumi hung up and plugged his phone to charge overnight.

He knew how anxious Oikawa got over matches that were extremely important but he knew that the anxiety was mostly caused by his parents. From years of experience he knew simply hanging up and letting him sleep was the best option, if he carried on the conversation he would just simply sink deeper into the hole of lowering his self-worth and Iwaizumi hated that. He hated nights like this when his boyfriend clearly needed him but the best thing to do was to ignore him. He hated it.

Oikawa looked at the black screen after Iwaizumi dropped the call. He knew it would happen but he just wished he could have told him what he wanted to say. The past year he’s been planning on telling Iwaizumi about himself, just spilling all his secrets. Removing the barrier he had slowly started to build up around the worst secret of them all. He wanted to tell Hajime now, he wanted to explain everything to him but calling him again wouldn’t work so the only possible way for him to do this was explain everything tomorrow. He knew he had to do it soon otherwise this brave streak he had currently would disappear and he would spend another year trying to convince himself just to say what was on his mind.

The problem was would he tell Hajime before or after the match. Telling him before could result in Iwaizumi being stressed the entire game, possibly not performing to the best of his ability; yet if they lost telling him after would completely shatter him.

“Why is this so difficult?” Tooru complained as he brought his head up to smash it into his pillow again. He hated himself for having to make such difficult decisions. He hated himself for having anxiety over simple things, things that usually wouldn’t bother anyone else. His whole team was probably sleeping now, dreaming of strategies and of winning against Shiratorizawa. Yet here he was, lying awake at one in the morning thinking about how badly life has treated him so far, pitying himself for the third time this week.

He hated his parents for always expecting the best from him. They knew he was serious about volleyball but also wanted him to have a backup plan, preferably as a doctor or lawyer. They wouldn’t accept bad grades, he had to be almost top of the class in every subject. Above all of that they wanted him to be the best at volleyball. It was because of them that Tooru had this motivation and urge to work and to work constantly. They were the ones waking him up at dawn urging him to train. They wanted him to be perfect, and it was slowly killing him. He knew he couldn’t be perfect, it was simply impossible; but with such high expectations what else could he do other than try?

He thought back to what Hajime had said, it was his parents that had caused him to end up in hospital for a week. That was also before an important match, only last year. He had worked almost the entire time, maybe sleeping roughly five hours in three days and due to this lack of sleep, strain of muscles and undereating he had collapsed in the middle of the game. He woke up and the first thing he asked was if they had won. They hadn’t. Despite being in a hospital bed at that moment Oikawa promised himself that he would work harder the following year.

Ignoring the doctor’s analysis of his health and his future recommendations, after leaving hospital Tooru started to train, more than before. At first he was told to stop, both by his parents and by his team members, but then his parents saw he was getting better so they stopped asking him to slow down, instead encouraged him even more. His team mates however know that if he keeps going at that rate he’ll overwork himself again, so they remind him weekly to get some rest over the weekend. Tooru knows they mean the best for him but even if he rested for one day it would pull him back, and that single day could mean a difference in winning or losing a game.

The worst fact about that was, was that a month before the incident he and Iwaizumi had started dating. Being completely exhausted Oikawa just caught Iwaizumi at school one day and blurted out to him that he liked boys. What came as a surprise to him was that Iwaizumi was into males too and since that day they were even closer than before, their friendship that started when they were little had slowly grown into romantic feelings and eventually a relationship. Ending up in hospital after a month of dating had definitely shaken Iwaizumi who at first believed it was something serious that would continue happening. As the boyfriend he was the one in charge of looking after Oikawa in school, reminding him daily to go to sleep and coming round his house at least twice a week to make sure he was also eating properly.

Ever since that day he collapsed last year he hasn’t had a repeat of that incident. Maybe what the doctors told him was false, maybe their scans had gone wrong and they simply gave him the wrong results, because despite what they said, he felt completely fine. Physically, at least.

He stayed awake for a while, thinking of possible ways of out-performing the opposing team. If he woke up early he could practice the accuracy of his serves even more, or focus on and practice his spikes. To distract himself Tooru opened up his phone again, simply scrolling through the team group chat. He debated sending a message wishing them good luck for the match but he didn’t want to expose himself for being awake at three in the morning. He needed to be strong for his team, or at least pretend to be. If his team saw him as stable they would be able to rely on him, and that’s what he needed. They would feel much more relaxed and comfortable, being able to not stress more than needed in the match. With a long sigh he locked his phone again placing it under his pillow before rolling onto his back and staring at his ceiling. He knew he shouldn’t be over-thinking and do what his boyfriend told him to do and sleep, but he simply just couldn’t.

He lay in bed for two more hours, still wide awake by the time it turned five. His parents would be up soon, probably forcing him to take a morning jog like he usually did. He reminded himself of the times when he was younger and could wake up around midday, he admitted he missed those times. Ever since high school when he started taking volleyball even more seriously, he hadn’t woke up at noon ever. It was a good feeling, a feeling he missed. Tooru was well aware the effect his irregular sleeping pattern was having on his body, yet despite all the changes he tried to enforce, he still never woke up fully rested.

By the time he saw the sun rising Oikawa pulled back his covers and stepped out of bed, swaying slightly for a few seconds as he leaned against the wall. He took a quick shower to wake him up and changed into sweatpants and a vest, grabbing his training bag packed the night before going downstairs. He had some change with which he would buy himself some food, so all he did was fill up his water bottle and tie up his trainers before stepping outside into the morning breeze. The advantage of having these sleepless nights was that he could avoid his parents in the morning, which was extremely beneficial on game days like this. He just couldn’t handle that extra pressure they would put on him.

Throwing his training bag with his uniform and knee pads over his shoulder Oikawa took off in a jog towards his school. He was usually the first one there however he almost tripped when he saw Iwaizumi already there, practicing alone in the gym.

“Iwa-chan? Babe what are you doing? It’s not even seven in the morning and we’re leaving at nine, why are you here?” Tooru dropped his bag next to the door and walked over to his boyfriend hugging him from behind causing the shorter boy to drop the volleyball he was holding.

“Don’t scare me like that you ass, and I wanted to practice a bit before the match, seeing as that’s literally all you do.” Hajime spun around and looked up at Oikawa. The boy had dark almost bruise like bags under his eyes, his eyes dull and tired. “You didn’t sleep again did you.” Hajime sighed as Tooru nodded sheepishly.

“I couldn’t sleep. I promise I tried but I just couldn’t.” Oikawa sighed as Iwaizumi pulled him into a hug.

“You can rest a bit now, I’ll try not to make too much noise.”

“I’ll sleep on the bus ride. Let’s practice together.” Oikawa pulled away and went to put on his knee pads. He didn’t want to explain that he was in fact feeling faint and all he wished to do was sleep and never wake up. After a quick check to see if they were strapped on correctly he went to the opposite side of the court and turned to face Iwaizumi. “Hit me with your best shot.” He winked as Iwaizumi groaned loudly but laughing at the same time.

“If you break out into song halfway through this practice I’m straight up breaking up with you.”

Iwaizumi threw up the ball and served it over the net, Oikawa receiving it before passing it back. They went back and forth, sometimes throwing in a surprise spike to check the other’s reflexes.

“Hey Iwa-chan, imagine this is my heart, let me pass it to you.” Oikawa called out as he passed the ball over the net. Iwaizumi received it cleanly before spiking it down full force next to Oikawa’s feet. The taller boy looked in shock as his boyfriend smirked at him. “That was just plain rude.” He grumbled as he ran over to pick up the ball.

“You could have easily received that spike Tooru.” Iwaizumi called out as Oikawa still muttered curses under his breath about his boyfriend still being mean to him despite being together for over a year now.

“I will get you back for that!” Tooru called out as he prepared to perform his killer serve.

“Save that for the actual match, we’re about to head out.” Yahaba peered into the gym, his jacket zipped up, a bag similar to Tooru’s over his shoulder. “Pack up quickly we’re leaving in a few minutes.”

“We’ll be out on a minute.” Iwaizumi gave a thumbs up as he picked up a few volleyballs around him, throwing them all into the bag as Oikawa placed the final two balls inside, closing it right after. They threw it into the storage room and went to meet the team outside.

“I hope all of you got a decent amount of sleep last night because this will most definitely be one of our hardest games we’ve had to play this year. I know all of you are nervous and I have to admit I am too but we’ve practiced so hard so please don’t let that go to waste on the court. Do your best, think your actions through and we will come out as champions.” Tooru spoke clearly as the whole team stood and listened. They nodded and fist bumped each other before coach Irihata had joined them, allowing the team onto the bus.

Usually they would have been leaving earlier however the location for their match was much closer than usual allowing them to leave at such a time. On the way there Tooru had rested his head on the window, trying to get some rest before their match. He was sitting near the back, and luckily for him the louder team members were near the front.

“Make sure to get at least a bit of sleep, it’ll help you.” Iwaizumi placed his hand gently on Tooru’s knee who smiled and hummed in response. “I’ll wake you up when we get there.” He said as Tooru nodded slowly, his eyes slowly closing. He knew he should have slept to feel fully rested for what was possibly their most important game so far.

Iwaizumi looked over at his now sleeping boyfriend. His face looked more tired than usual and Iwaizumi could sense Tooru wasn’t himself. He was more anxious and distracted by something, yet Iwaizumi couldn’t quite sense what. It was probably the stress of both the match and the pressure from his parents. He had wanted to talk to Tooru’s parents however Tooru had always had an excuse for him not to. Hajime sighed as he too leaned back, his head resting on the seat, gently placing Tooru’s head on his shoulder before closing his eyes as well.

The rest of the team looked at the two boys, leaning on each other and sleeping the whole journey. They knew it would be the hardest match they’d ever played so they decided to let them rest, if it meant a higher probability of success, they decided to give up being loud and joking on the bus. They could do that on the way back anyway. They journey lasted nearly 2 hours, Iwaizumi waking up a few minutes before they reached their destination.

“Tooru? Tooru wake up we’re nearly there.” Iwaizumi poked his boyfriend in the arm, whispering into his ear.

“Mmhm.” Tooru mumbled snuggling in closer into the crook of Hajime’s neck. His breath tickled Hajime’s exposed skin who tensed for a moment before poking Oikawa again.

“Wake up, you can’t be sleepy during the match you know that right?” Hajime spoke louder causing Tooru to open his sleepy eyes, his head still drooping.

“I’m tired, leave me alone.” He muttered sighing heavily.

“Well you should have slept. If you want to sleep I guess we’ll just have to play without you. Imagine if we won without you, how would you feel?” Iwaizumi teased as he felt Tooru tense next to him.

“I hate you, you know what right.” Oikawa sat up and glared at Iwaizumi who chuckled and gave him a thumbs up.

“It got you up didn’t it?” He winked as Tooru shook his head before chuckling too.

“You know me too well Iwa-chan. I’m going out there and I will not be outperformed by some second years.” He grinned evilly as a few heads turned their way.

“Don’t scare them now, you can do so after the match.” Iwaizumi scolded Tooru who pouted in response.

"You’re such a mum.”

“Don’t make this weird.”

“Alright kids, we’re here. Now you’ll be up soon so get changed and be ready in no more than fifteen minutes.” The coach stood up at the front of the bus, speaking loudly so the students at the back could also hear. “You’re going to win this, you hear me?” He concluded as the bus erupted with cheers. After everybody had calmed down they got off the bus, making their way to the changing rooms to change into their uniforms.

“Is everybody ready for the warm up?” Tooru called out as the team followed him out of the changing rooms.

“Yeah.” Came back a few scattered responses from a range of the members.

“We’ll need more enthusiasm than that.” He yelled spinning around to face his team causing them to stop walking. “Like I said before we arrived here, we have to give it everything we’ve got. Even if it feels like we’re going to lose you cannot give up till that decision is final. Now let’s go out there and win this!”

This time he was met with a cheer and Oikawa smiled. He knew just what he had to say to get his team energised, that’s what made him a good captain. He led his team onto the court, the warm up beginning soon after. He glanced over at the other side. The Shiratorizawa team looked fierce and ready. This was going to be a tough match.

Trying to not distract himself Oikawa turned away and focused on his own warm up. His knee had recently been acting up so he took more of an effort to loosen that up so he wouldn’t have a tough time jumping or receiving the ball. After a few stretches and a minute left of the warm up Tooru’s vision suddenly blurred. He sat down pretending to stretch as the gym whizzed around him. He was unsure of what was happening but it was probably just exhaustion. The dizziness lasted only a few moments so after he went over to take a few giant sips from his water. The water ran down his throat, cooling it in the process as well as slightly clearing his foggy mind. Shaking his head slightly he lightly slapped his cheeks, getting in the zone for the match. They would win this, he was sure of it. The bell rang signaling the end of the warm up.

The two teams lined up opposite each other as Oikawa shook hands with Ushijima. Oikawa put on a proud grin trying to look confident as the two firmly shook hands.

“Let’s have a good game.” They said together before walking into their set positions.

“We’ll win this alright?” Oikawa yelled as the rest of his team agreed in response, their faces becoming serious, staring down their other team. They did not practice for so long just to lose the game before the finals. The referee blew the whistle and it was Shiratorizawa’s turn to serve first. The game had begun.

***

The ball slammed the ground next to Tooru’s hand. He had jumped onto the floor to receive the ball however he was a few centimetres short from even touching the ball. This was it. They had lost. That was the match point for Shiratorizawa, and it was all Tooru’s fault that he had let them win. He pounded his fist on the floor, gritting his teeth. He had to stay strong for his team, although he knew that on the bus they would all break down crying. Taking a few deep breaths and blinking back the tears he stood up slowly, ready to give the final bow before going back home. The teams lined up on opposite sides of the courts, with a short bow they turned and made their way to their locker rooms to pick up their bags.

“Can you grab my bag for me? I need to go and get some fresh air.” Oikawa muttered as he passed Iwaizumi, heading towards the doors going outside. He stepped out and went to go sit down on a bench near the entrance. The last few minutes of the match he had been quite distracted and not really feeling well. His vision was constantly blurry and his head was spinning like crazy, therefore he had decided to give it his most to overcome the feeling. Now it was all catching up to him and he was feeling extremely faint, so fresh air would probably help him. He collapsed onto the bench with a sigh, taking a few deep breaths to try and control the spinning, however nothing was helping. He heard the door open again, meaning his team was now out. That was the last thing he heard before he fell onto the ground and lost consciousness.

Iwaizumi dropped the two bags he was holding and sprinted towards his boyfriend who had fallen off the bench and was now sprawled on the ground. His breathing was rapid and irregular, his face pale, the bags under his eyes even more visible.

“Call an ambulance! Now.” He screamed picking Oikawa up and hugging him to his chest. This couldn’t be a repeat of last year.

Oikawa had promised him that he was talking to his parents about the pressure. He promised him that he was eating and sleeping as well as he could. He promised him that he was looking after himself.

“Please tell me you didn’t lie.” Iwaizumi muttered stroking back the hair that had flown onto Oikawa’s eyes. “Please.” He choked back tears. He hated how fragile Tooru looked in that moment, the lack of response to Iwaizumi’s touch was another thing that broke his heart. He was so used to a smiling, laughing and care-free Tooru, but now that he looked so, broken, it seemed almost unrealistic. There was no surprise winks or embarrassing pick up lines, just loud ragged breaths.

Moments after an ambulance had arrived. A crowd had gathered from the students who had finished their games for that day. Two people stepped out of the ambulance with a stretcher, picking up Oikawa and placing him onto it carefully.

“Are you his friend?” Asked the woman. She was in her late twenties, early thirties at most with her blonde hair pulled into a tight bun on her head however a few strands had now come loose, giving her less of an uptight and strict look. Iwaizumi thought for a moment, what would they say if he openly said he was his boyfriend?

“Yeah.” He decided to take the safe choice. “We’re childhood friends. Can I please go with you in the ambulance? I want to keep him company.” His shoulders slacked as he looked down at the unconscious Tooru.

“Of course you can. But once we get to the hospital you’ll have to wait in the waiting room like any other guest. Now hurry we don’t know what’s wrong with him yet.” The lady ushered him inside as Iwaizumi stepped inside, taking a seat furthest away from the doors so they could bring Tooru up. After everything had been secured the female slammed the door shut and the ambulance drove away, the signal blaring loudly as it sped down the road.

“Do you know what happened?” This time the man spoke up. He looked younger than the woman, with dark hair neatly combed back.

“I don’t, sorry. All I saw was him falling to the ground.” Iwaizumi sighed. He wanted to take Tooru’s hand so badly now, to feel his warmth but he couldn’t. He couldn’t admit to strangers that he was gay, he had no clue what they would think of him if he did.

“We’re lucky he didn’t hit his head too hard, at least it saves us the trouble of stopping bleeding or any possible concussions he’ll have if he wakes up.” The female said reassuringly smiling up at Hajime.

“How far away is the hospital?” He asked. He wanted Oikawa to get there as soon as possible, to be safe and well and to wake up as quickly as possible so Iwaizumi could look into his bright eyes and smile and simply just kiss him.

“We’re here.” The man said as the ambulance had stopped at that moment. Iwaizumi breathed a sigh of relief. The journey didn’t last a long time, Oikawa was in safe hands now. He would come out fine. The doors were opened by two people from the outside who helped take out the stretcher Oikawa was in and bring it inside. The woman had stayed behind to sign Iwaizumi in as a guest as Oikawa was taken to be checked by the doctors.

“Name?” Asked the receptionist, pen in hand, a gentle smile on her hand.

“Iwaizumi Hajime.” Iwaizumi replied as she nodded writing it down before looking back up at him.

“Please wait here, I’ll call you up once your friend has been fully checked and I’ll tell you his room so you can visit.” She spoke softly as Iwaizumi nodded, turning around and heading off to sit down. He chose a seat closest to the receptionist desk so he could get there as quickly as possible. The female doctor who was with him in the ambulance smiled sadly at the boy who leaned against the wall, then she turned away and followed her partners who had gone down the hall.

Iwaizumi had Oikawa’s mother’s number on his phone screen, his finger hovering over the green ‘call’ button. Should he call them? Maybe this wasn’t anything serious and he wouldn’t want to put extra pressure on Oikawa when he woke up. He eventually made the decision to only call his parents if the situation turned out to be more serious that he first expected. Maybe Tooru would be able to leave an hour after he woke up, what would be the point in stressing out his parents over something so small?

The wait was the most excruciating, every time the receptionist called out a person’s name he hoped it would be his, already getting ready to sprint up to the desk. Two hours had past and there was still no news of what was happening with his boyfriend and Iwaizumi was now getting impatient. Oikawa simply collapsed, probably from exhaustion, so why was this check-up taking two whole hours?

“Iwaizumi Hajime?” The receptionist called out suddenly, the boy bolting up and towards the desk.

“Is he alright? What room is he in?” He rambled quickly, stumbling over his words.

“He’s hopefully awake, the examination took longer than expected with a few slight complications, but he’s in room 104.” The receptionist explained, Iwaizumi sprinting down the corridor seconds after. Ignoring what she meant by complications he reached room 104 in a few seconds. He pushed down the door handle and gently pushed open the door.

Oikawa was plugged into at least three different machines, the cardiac monitor showing his heart rate, which was now regular compared to what it felt like two hours ago when he was holding Oikawa to his chest. Tooru was lying with his eyes open staring up at the blank ceiling.

“You sure frightened me.” Iwaizumi spoke quietly, making his way towards the chair next to the hospital bed. He sat down slowly before taking Oikawa’s hand into his, squeezing it gently. The warmth he had expected wasn’t there, instead Tooru’s hand was cold and lifeless, yet still squeezing back.

“I’m sorry.” Oikawa joked, visibly ignoring all the tubes sticking out of his arms.

“You’re okay though, right? Will you be able to leave today?”

Iwaizumi’s question was met with silence. He looked up expectantly at Tooru who looked as if he was arguing with himself if to say something or not.

“Just, no more lies Tooru. Please. Tell me the truth.” Hajime sighed. If his first question was met with silence, was the truth really that bad? Oikawa took a deep breath, preparing to speak what was on his mind. Iwaizumi was right, the truth had to be told.

“Remember all the times I told you I slept a whole night, or ate a proper meal, or spoke to my parents? Every single time, I lied. I hated you being worried about me, I just wanted you to be happy with me and feel like I was happy too; and I was, I am so happy with you. It’s just without you the problems start. The times you came round to check on me eating were in fact the only times I could ever eat properly. The amount of sleepless nights I’ve had stressing over the simplest things is just idiotic and-”

“I understand, Tooru. Don’t make yourself feel even worse than you already do. I know which direction you’re going in and I just want to stop that right now saying that I won’t break up with you. No matter how troubled you are I will always be here to support you. I regret every moment I can’t spend by your side. Think of this, in under half a year we can move in together, and then you won’t have to deal with your parents regularly and I’ll always be by your side to help you and keep you healthy. I love you Tooru, and I’ll never let you go, especially not now when you need me the most.” Iwaizumi interrupted Tooru’s ramble, silencing him.

Tooru looked up at his boyfriend in awe, he was so madly in love with him but that was the first time any of them had said those words to each other. He smiled widely, ignoring the pain for just those few moments of pure happiness he felt in this current moment.

“This reminds me of the time when we were kids and playing by the river.” Tooru sighed happily at the memory.

~~~

“Hey Iwa-chan, do you think we’ll still be best friends when we grow up.” Tooru giggled splashing in the shallow edge of the river. He was still pretty short so the water reached his knees, yet he was at least taller than Hajime who was up to his thighs in the water.

“Of course we will, don’t be silly. Why would we not be friends anymore? Best friends stay best friends forever.” He laughed, splashing water into Oikawa’s face.

“What if one of us moves far away?” Oikawa pouted looking over at his friend.

“Well then we’ll just have to find each other when we’re old enough. Let’s make a deal right now, we will go the the same high school and then to the same college and then to the same university.” Iwaizumi stuck out his hand and the two shook hands wildly.

“It would be so fun living with each other. We could play volleyball all the time together and have so many adventures.” Tooru grinned, clapping his hands together in joy.

“Come on, we can play for a bit now, the water’s getting cold now.” Iwaizumi lifted out the net he had been pushing through the small waves trying to catch some fish or even floating pebbles.

“You’re always so responsible Iwa-chan. Make sure to look after me okay?” Tooru cheered stomping out of the water, the water splashing around his feet.

“I always will.” Iwaizumi also stepped out of the water, more carefully than Tooru had. They walked a bit to the nearest court, Oikawa running straight to grab a ball for himself. Iwaizumi still had the net in his hands as he looked at his taller friend who was throwing the ball up for himself. The ball however missed his hands and landed on Oikawa’s head. The boy pulled a funny face causing Iwaizumi to burst out laughing, dropping the net in the process.

“That’s not funny Iwa-chan!” Oikawa groaned however he soon too burst out in giggles. The two spent the next couple of minutes simply laughing at each other before they managed to compose themselves.

“Let me help you this time.” Iwaizumi teased serving the ball over to Oikawa who this time didn’t receive with his head.

***

“Oikawa did you sleep?” Iwaizumi asked the boy who was swaying unsteadily on his feet, simply standing in one place.

“Iwa-chan why is everything so bright?” Tooru mumbled, looking around him.

“You should go home and get some sleep, it’ll be best for you.” Iwaizumi patted Tooru’s shoulder who almost fell over from the contact. Taking one last look at his friend, Iwaizumi turned around and walked to class. Oikawa had become the perfect description for a walking zombie. His face was pale and his bags were almost making him look like a panda with hair.

His classes were uneventful and he decided to not wait for Oikawa who had probably gone home, so he went to eat lunch by himself on the grassy field behind the school that was open for students during the summer so they could run around a bit. He sat down when he heard his name being screamed from the other side of the field.

“Iwa-chan! Iwa-chan!” Oikawa ran, stumbling over his own two feet, rushing to get to Iwaizumi’s side.

“Oikawa? I told you to get some sleep. You look like you need it.” Iwaizumi stood up startled. He had thought the boy had gone home yet here he was, somehow still maintaining his balance.

“Iwa-chan. I think I like boys.” Tooru stammered, looking serious for those few moments. He looked tired yet his eyes held this glint that wasn’t excitement, it was fear.

“Excuse me?” Hajime almost gasped in shock.

“I like boys, Iwa-chan. I went home to sleep but then I remembered that I came to school today just to tell you that. You’re my best friend and you should know that. I’m sorry for not listening to you, but I had to do it now. I’m sorry if you think I’m a freak, and if you don’t want to be friends with me anymore.” Tooru hiccuped, turning away. Iwaizumi still stood, silent; Oikawa took this as him judging him in disgust so to conceal his tears he started to run away.

This shook Iwaizumi out of his trance as he quickly ran after his friend taking a hold of his arm spinning Tooru round so the two were facing each other. Iwaizumi took a deep breath before kissing Oikawa’s cheek quickly.

“I like boys too.”

***

“Come on Oikawa, we need to hurry so that the best places aren't taken.” Iwaizumi took hold of Oikawa’s wrist pulling him along to the grassy field. It was the last day the field was going to be open for students so everyone was rushing to get the best places as soon as the lesson had ended. The two boys sprinted down onto the field and collapsed into their favourite place, near a tree however still in the sun.

"We made it!” Oikawa cheered his back on the grass, staring up at the sky.

“Let's eat, you can rest later. I need to make sure you're eating properly.” Iwaizumi poked Oikawa’s side who bit his tongue to hold back a giggle, letting out a yelp in pain instead.

“Fine, fine.” He rolled his eyes sitting up and unpacking his lunch.

“Hey, Meiko-chan, I’ve liked you for a while now and I know we've been friends for a really long time but I want to try out dating because you're the kindest girl I know. Do you, want to go out with me?” A boy nearby stood awkwardly in front of a girl who was blushing like mad, probably not expecting a confession in the middle of a lunch break.

“See Iwa-chan, that’s how you treat a lady. Why don't you ever ask me out like that?” Oikawa joked looking in Iwaizumi’s direction. The other boy blinked a few times before grinning.

“Well, fine. Do you want to go out?” He said bluntly shrugging his shoulders.

Oikawa choked on the apple he was eating his face now even redder than the girl who they saw get asked out a few seconds earlier.

“Oikawa? Are you alright?” Iwaizumi asked, genuinely concerned at the choking boy who was stammering to put together a sentence. “I mean that was meant to be a joke but that question has been on my mind lately.” Iwaizumi grinned wider as Oikawa just collapsed onto the ground sprawling out his hands on the grass. He was still speechless and could even spit out a proper sentence.

“I- yes.” He managed to choke out as Iwaizumi smiled wider.

“I'm glad, does this mean I can call you babe?”

Oikawa almost screamed as he rolled over so his face was now in the grass. Iwaizumi’s laughter could be heard as he looked over at his new boyfriend rolling around on the ground, a few pieces of grass clinging to his hair.

~~~

“We need to keep that promise hey?” Iwaizumi chuckled as Oikawa nodded.

“We’re going to get a flat together and stay together through university.” Tooru smiled at the thought. Being together with Iwaizumi for the rest of his life didn't seem like a bad idea. They had been together since the beginning, so why shouldn't they till the end?

“You were always one dreaming about our future Tooru, even as kids.” Iwaizumi picked up Oikawa’s hand and kissed it gently, avoiding the wires he had tried to ignore the whole time he was there.

“I hope your future is full of happiness Iwa-chan.” Tooru smiled weakly, trying to sit up and reach over with his other hand to grasp Iwaizumi’s hands in his when suddenly his hand started shaking violently.

“Tooru? Babe what’s happening?” Iwaizumi backed away in fear. The cardiac monitor had increased the rate of beeping, the sound almost unbearable to listen to.

“I love you.” Tooru mouthed as doctors suddenly rushed in, two of them grabbing Iwaizumi’s arms and dragging him out of the door, locking it behind them. Iwaizumi started pounding on the door begging them to open it. He didn't know what was happening, his thoughts were a mess. What was happening to Tooru? Why did he seem so sad the whole time Iwaizumi had been there?

“Oh my God that was the first time we said that to each other.” Iwaizumi gasped as he slid down the wall, his head in his hands, gripping onto his hair tightly. Tooru would be just fine, that was probably just the complication the receptionist had been talking about before.

The door suddenly opened and one of the doctors rushed out. Before any of the doctors inside had a chance to react, Iwaizumi barged in, taking in the sight of what was happening. The group of doctors was surrounding Tooru’s bed, yet all Iwaizumi could focus on was the flat line on the monitor. The single, elongated, dull beep echoed round the room.

His entire world collapsed at that moment. He stopped breathing, his vision blurring as he didn't even try and hold back his sobs. He pushed through the doctors kneeling next to the bed, his hands grasping Oikawa’s now truly lifeless hands. He brought them up to his chest as sobs racked his body. He wanted to scream yet all he could do was cry, excluding this the room was otherwise silent. He had promised Tooru that he would look after him. He had promised that they would move in together, and live a carefree life together. In that single moment, Iwaizumi had broken all of his promises.

He ignored the doctors asking him to leave. All he could focus on was that his boyfriend was dead. The always lively and confident boy he had fallen in love with was now lying silent in a hospital bed, dead. Oikawa was dead and there was nothing Iwaizumi could do. He wished he could be in Tooru’s place, he wished he could exchange places with him right now so that it was Tooru who was alive. He was the one constantly training and practicing, aiming to get better. He was the one who had a bright and successful future up ahead. If only Iwaizumi had taken better care of him. If only he had been there with him more often. If only he had spoken to Tooru’s parents earlier. If only he had always made sure that Tooru was healthy. But now it was too late for that. Iwaizumi couldn't do anything about it, and he hated that.

Even after security had to come and escort Iwaizumi out of the room that monotone sound of the flat cardiac machine was the only sound ringing in Iwaizumi’s ears. He wasn't focusing on where he was being taken to, his body now completely numb and limp. His mind was fuzzy, his eyes not being able to focus on anything longer than for a few seconds. Tears were freely and rapidly flowing down his face as he kept his head down, not wanting to catch eye contact with anybody, to see the pity in their eyes. They had no idea what he was currently going through so simple words of support and sympathy would just not work.

The guards had ended up dropping him off by the reception desk but instead of waiting to hear what they were going to tell him he ran out of the doors. He left the hospital behind and kept running till his lungs were giving in and it was almost impossible for him to catch his breath.

He had somehow through memory found his way back to the gym where they had played. He looked around but his school's bus was gone, they had probably left moments after the ambulance took him and Oikawa away. He choked back a loud sob as his boyfriend's name and face came to mind. How could he have been so selfish, believing him and Tooru would have all the time in the world together. He should have appreciated the moments they spent together. He should have told him he loved him sooner. He should have done so many things quicker, earlier, and simply before today.

He made his way to the bench Oikawa had been sitting in no more than three hours earlier. He couldn't stop the tears anymore, his cries growing louder each second. In that moment he was glad he was alone, suffering alone at least gave him an idea of what Oikawa had been going through the whole time.

***

It was the day of Tooru’s funeral yet Iwaizumi was still in bed. After the breakdown he had almost two weeks ago he called up his parents sobbing down the phone who only after and hour had been able to catch where exactly he was, picking him up and driving him home. He had immediately gone to him room and thrown himself onto his bed, screaming in pain and frustration. For the next two weeks he barely slept and barely ate, having to be fed by his mother at least three times. Now that the day of the funeral had arrived, he couldn't bring himself to get out of bed. This would be it, this would be the moment where Tooru’s death would now be official. This was the moment he had to say goodbye, and Iwaizumi was just not ready to do that. 

His parents had left earlier in order to help plan the funeral, yet now a few minutes before the mass started Iwaizumi decided he wouldn't go. He wanted to keep the Oikawa he knew in his mind, not a lifeless corpse rotting underground. Not only was Iwaizumi angry at himself he was also angry at Oikawa for making him suffer this way.

“You bastard. Why did you have to die?” He punched his desk, the objects on it shaking for a few seconds. The photo frame of him and Tooru toppling over. He picked it up, ripping the photo from inside the frame, holding the remains in his hands. he grabbed a pen and started to scribble out Tooru’s face. He grabbed a photo album specifically for their photos together. Taking out a single photo at a time he furiously ran his pen back and forth over Oikawa’s face, leaving it covered in a mess of black lines. 

After five more photos Iwaizumi suddenly realised what he was doing and he dropped the pen. He looked at the small pile of photos he had already damaged and violent slammed the photo album shut so he wouldn’t damage any more. He stared down at the photo he was holding now. It was one of his favourites. He was leaning over and kissing Tooru’s cheek who looked extremely flustered and was looking down and away from the camera, unaware that Iwaizumi was taking a photo. 

Standing up rapidly, Iwaizumi quickly changed into the suit that his mother had prepared for him last night. He knew where the graveyard they were going to bury Tooru in was so instead of going to the church he made his way over there. As he approached he saw a crowd gathering outside; had he missed that much? He stayed back not wanting to disrupt the mourning people, deciding to head to the grave once people had started to leave.

From where he was standing he couldn't see or hear what was happening, maybe for the better. He was already on the verge of crying, his throat closing up making it difficult for him to swallow and also to breathe. He stood there fiddling with his hands, concentrating on not crying as he saw the number of people decrease, those who simply lay down flowers on Tooru’s grave disappearing right after. Iwaizumi nearly kicked himself right then, he had forgotten to bring flowers. 

After almost everyone had gone, Iwaizumi stepped forward, taking in the grave for the first time. He let himself cry this time for what seemed like the thousandth time that week. He wouldn't be able to unsee what he was looking at. He never once in his life imagined that he would be looking at a grave with his boyfriend's name carved into it. 

“You promised me you wouldn't leave me all those months ago. I thought I was the only one that broke our promises. I’m angry at you, but also, thank you for everything.” Hajime spoke softly under his breath, looking down at the grave and then looking up at the sky. He said a final goodbye promising to come back before turning on his heel and walking away.

Hajime kept his promise, visiting Tooru’s grave almost weekly, with a new set of flowers each time, lighting the candles around the grave too and simply sitting there for hours talking to the stone. He had gone back to school today try and cope with things being told that surrounding yourself with loved ones would help. However despite everything his gaze always wondered over to the now empty seat by the window. Not being greeted by and smiling face and a wink whenever he looked over at Tooru in the middle of the class left Hajime feeling empty and incomplete. He was now a walking shell, pretending to be tough yet in fact everyone knew just how fragile he was.

On Oikawa’s birthday Iwaizumi had brought a cupcake and a candle with him to the graveyard. He had lit the candle and waited for the wind to blow it out, softly humming the happy birthday song under his breath. 

“I’ll make the wish for you seeing as you currently can't.” Iwaizumi smiled sadly looking down at the single cupcake in his palm. “I wish you'd come back.”

This went on for a few more months till Iwaizumi graduated. He still had plans for the future, however he would have to do them alone. He went to the university he had planned to go from the beginning. It took him a while to get used to the new style of life. His timetable was much more relaxed and he had a lot of spare time, which sometimes wasn't the best.

It was one of the days where he only had one class during the day that Iwaizumi was sat on his bed flicking through his photo album with photos of and Tooru. Despite ruining the few photos months ago he decided to kept them anyway, every possible thing that could link him to Oikawa he would hate to lose. He finished looking at the final photo before closing his eyes. He imagined Oikawa there with him, kissing his lips, laughing at some of the sillier photos they had taken together. He imagined how Oikawa would be sitting right now, most likely with his head resting on Iwaizumi’s shoulder. Almost feeling that exact sensation Hajime opened his eyes, the Tooru he had imagined fading from his memory almost instantly. He sighed deeply, thinking of how long it would take him to learn to deal with the fact that Oikawa was gone forever.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading, if i killed you oops sorry. this fic was inspired by an amv i watched a while back:  
> https://youtu.be/4MPenWdOoy4  
> please watch it and you'll understand why i was inspired to write this


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